What are you waiting for? Bridget Jones had the right idea!
Disengaging brain with newspaper etc is way of coping with stress. But becomes distant. To expect a man in his cave to suddenly become open is like asking a woman who is upset to immediately calm down and make sense.
"You don't listen" or "you're not here" generally means you're in your cave, giving your wife only 5% brain.
Feeling attacked or blamed (if she is really upset) he draws his sword to protect himself. The more he defends the more upset she becomes. If he is wise and listens, a few moments after complaining about him she will change the subject.
Men get impatient with details. He assumes they must be relevant somehow. He struggles to find a logical order. Women sometimes enjoy letting suspense build up and not revealing the outcome till the very end.
Men may have seen their mothers dwelling on their problems, probably because they did not feel heard. The real problem is that she feels unloved, not that she keeps talking about problems.
Martians have a win/lose philosophy. I enjoy winning the game even if my friend loses. As he matures self gratification is no longer satisfying. To experience fulfilment he must live motivated by love, selfless, win/win. But when he doesn't feel he is making a positive difference, it is difficult to be motivated. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
Martian instincts are to leave alone when a woman is upset. Or else try to solve her problems. She actually needs companionship most, to feel she is not alone. Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember she is worthy of love. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes - she doesn't need to earn love.
It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman who is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure. Fear of commitment is often fear of being good enough. A man needs to learn/see that when he doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect. He is able to apologise because he expects forgiveness, love and appreciation for doing his best.
Number one complaint women have is "I don't feel heard". Even this is misunderstood by men. When men and women are on the verge of arguing they are generally misunderstanding each other.
On Venus everyone understands that dramatic language implies a request for support. The biggest challenge for women is to interpret correctly and support a man when he isn't talking. Men mull over information and experience silently. Can take hours. If not enough information to process an answer he may not answer at all.
Women talk to convey or gather information. This is generally the only reason men talk. But also to explore and discover what she wants to say. To feel better and more centred when upset. To create intimacy. Men often pull away when they are in love and begin to lose themselves.
When in the cave, men give coded warnings eg I'm ok, it's nothing, no problem. They do this instead of saying "I'm upset and I need some time to be alone". Women misinterpret these warnings and query the response. To support a man in his cave, don't disapprove; don't offer solutions; don't ask about his feelings; don't sit waiting; don't worry. Do something that makes you happy, so he doesn't need to worry about you. To be trusted to handle his problems is v important to his honour, pride and self esteem. Men support each other by not worrying. "You can handle this", "It's their problem not yours". Woman may only feel supported when you DO worry for them.
Women may feel the only way to get what they want in a relationship is to criticise. To get what they need they should instead offer loving acceptance. Only then may he ask what she thinks. She can and should share her feelings and make requests, but without casting judgment that he is wrong or bad.
Little changes are important to enrich relationships eg offering reassurance when going into your cave. "I will be back". Big changes generally require some suppression of who we are. This is not good.
When a woman is upset and complaining, she can pause after a few minutes and tell her partner how much she appreciates him listening and things he has done to make life easier or more fulfilling. "It's not your fault" are magic words.
If he feels blamed, try saying "it feels like you're saying it's all my fault. Are you?" But remember she has a right to feel upset and let it out. He may need to ask to talk about it later, or time to think about it more.
A man pulls away even if a woman has done nothing wrong. He pulls away to fulfil his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away he immediately comes springing back. A woman panics and runs after him. She feels powerless. He resists talking about it and doesn't have a clear answer.
Without a chance to pull away, he will lose touch with his desire to be close. He loses touch with his own sense of self.
When a woman opens up and shares deeper feelings it may trigger a man's need to pull away. It's not what she says but when. The same thing said when a man springs back is the golden time. But this is precisely when women avoid initiating conversations, out of fear or politeness. Indeed they may punish him for pulling away.
Conversations with men can be one sided. They need a reason to talk. Under pressure he will resist saying anything. She needs to let him know she appreciates him simply listening. With this encouragement he will learn to share and open up. Otherwise he feels his "listening" is doing nothing.
Macho men struggle with intimacy. The sensitive man may feel guilty pulling away and then loses part of his masculine self. He becomes passive and overly dependent. He is afraid of rejection.
The wise man understands his own cycle and reassures his partner he will be back. He may not be able explain why he pulls away but will encourage her to continue the conversation from where they left off when he returns.
Sudden crashing moods after abundance of love. The time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housekeeping. Unconscious self, unexplained emotions and vague feelings. Like a dark well. Not a problem to be fixed but an inner lack that can be filled by unconditional love.
Supporting can appear to make things worse. The wave needs to bottom out! May take days. And when she starts to feel better, men presume the underlying issues are now resolved.
A wise man releases his judgements and demands. He weathers the storms and drought. Otherwise she may learn to repress her feelings.
Accepting a man's need to go in the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means giving up the demand to listen whenever she wants to.
When she is on the downswing she will become aware of what she is missing. Having wealth may make emotional needs more obvious.
12 kinds of love. Women need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Men need trust , acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. They end up disappointing each other. Instead, they can reciprocate, as receiving the kind of love they need enables them to give what the other needs. So he shows interest in her feelings and wellbeing, and she feels cared for. In return she begins to trust that he is doing his best for his partner. When she feels heard and understood she can more easily accept him and trust him to make his own improvements.
When a man sets aside his own wants/interests and makes her feel special she feels adored. In turn she admires his unique qualities (typically old fashioned virtues of humour, honesty, integrity, romance).
Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that having fulfilled the primary love needs, his partner will thereafter know she is loved. But the sixth need is about repeatedly demonstrating he cares, understands, thereby fulfilling her need for reassurance.
Trusting and accepting a man encourages his inner knight in shining armour.
Mistakes men make - not listening, getting distracted, not expressing interest (care). Trying to solve her feelings (understanding). Getting upset by blame/criticism (respect). Minimising her feelings or putting others (work, children) first (devotion). Arguing when she is upset (validating). Walking away (reassurance).
How to listen without getting angry:
It's ok to feel frustrated or angry, as long as you don't try to change him. Any attempt is unsupportive and counterproductive. He is resistant to changing not because he doesn't love her enough, but because he believes he is not being loved enough.
2 kinds of men. One becomes incredibly defensive, the other agrees to change but forgets and reverts back. A man either actively or passively resists.
As a basic guideline: never argue. When two people are not emotionally and sexually involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective. But for couples they easily take things too personally. Some couples fight all the time and gradually their love dies. Some suppress their honest feelings to avoid conflict. One couple is having a war, the other a Cold War.
An argument doesn't have to be hurtful. It can simply be about expressing differences and disagreements. Most people start arguing about one thing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing.
Resolving an argument requires extending our point of view to include and integrate another. To make this stretch we need to feel respected and appreciated. If our partner's attitude is unloving our self esteem can actually be wounded.
A man may feel challenged and focuses on being right. He forgets to be loving. To a woman it feels like an attack, she resists. A woman may feel challenged and her tone automatically becomes mistrusting and rejecting.
All 4 responses to arguments, which are about avoiding hurt, are counterproductive.
Men argue because they feel unloved, unappreciated, doubted. Women want to feel cherished, remembered, respected, reassured.
Men automatically justify not validate. Women indirectly share dislikes or disappointments, and knowingly or unknowingly communicate a message of disapproval. Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don't care. But why then do they become cold, distant and defensive?
When a woman feels unloved and neglected it is hard for automatically to appreciate what a man does for her. She feels resentful because things are uneven. Resentment is not healthy. When a woman is sick with resentment she tends to negate what a man has done for her because according to the way she keeps score, she has done so much more.
The solution to this resentment is for her to take responsibility- for having contributed by giving more and letting the score get so uneven. She needs to take a rest from giving so much, pamper herself, allow her partner to take care of her more.
With resentment a woman closes the door to his support.
A man can release his own resentment by understanding that she needs to receive for a while before she can give again. He should not expect her to be appreciative. It helps if he takes responsibility for giving her the flu because he neglected to do the little things that she needs.
Men are notorious for taking more and giving less. Reasons - they idealise fairness (they think they have scored fifty points for going to work but women grant them just one point), Venusians idealise unconditional love (they give whether they think they are owed or not), Martians give when they are asked (and pride themselves on being self sufficient).
When they feel unloved and unsupported men take points away. He thinks this is fair, but penalty points are destructive to a relationship. If he becomes passive when she expresses some negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he loses his motivation to give.
So men should respectfully ask for support, say when hurt, give opportunity to apologise.
Women can give love, appreciation, acceptance etc if they can work out what he needs. The problem is that for the most part men in their caves don't know what has hurt them. Then, when they come out, they don't talk about it.
Men really don't require anything but love. Women don't realise the power of their love and seek to earn love by doing things that are often completely unimportant to men. She may prepare a meal for him - he might give one or ten points depending on how she reacts to him. He might even give minus points.
Just as a woman's ability to give love fluctuates, a man's need for love fluctuates. There is no fixed amount for how many points a man gives a woman; when his need for her love is greater he tends to give more points. The bigger the mistake he makes, the more embarrassed or ashamed he is, the more points he gives if she responds by being supportive.
A man may become angry when he has made the mistake, and she is upset. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn't say sorry, the answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. When a man is in a negative state
Iron John (Robert Bly)
Hunters are disappearing in the forest near the castle. One day, anunknown hunter shows up and the king tells him of the forest The huntergoes with his dog, finds a pond from which a hand appears and seizes thedog.
The hunter sets to work draining the pond. In time they find a thebottom a big, hairy wild man, his hair the colour of rusty iron. He isimprisoned in the castle, and the Queen keeps the key.
The king's son loses his golden ball, it rolls into Iron John's cage.
The ball is radiance, wholeness, before we split into male and female,rich and poor band and good. All of us, boys or girls lose somethingaround the age of 8. A man can't expect to find the golden ball in thefeminine realm. The true radiant energy in the male does not reside inthe feminine realm, but in the field of the deep masculine. Most menwant some nice person, a guru, a gentle Jesus, to bring the ball back.
One has to start with buckets. The man has to do it himself. Bucketwork implies much more discipline than most men realise. The next septis approaching the cage.
The wild man agrees to give the golden ball back if the boy opens thecage. The boy, frightened, runs off. On the second day (maybe 10 yearslater) he comes back, asks again. Some men never come back. On thethird day, the boy asks again. This time he tells the WIld Man "Even ifI wanted to let you out, I don't know where the key is". I isn'texactly that we have forgotten -we never knew in the first place. THewild man replies, "the key is under your mother's pillow".
THe pillow is where a mother stores her dreams for her son's future. THe bedroom is that secret, private place where your parents go. Thekey has to be stolen. No mother would give the key away, they areintuitively aware they would lose their boys. One day, the boy stolethe key, and opened the cage door. As he did so, he hour one of hisfingers.
THe wild man could disappear, and the key could secretly replaced. Butthe hunter would lose a lot of dogs. Th wild man could be tamed bythe life of the castle, under the gaze of the king and queen. But heleaves for the forest, and the boy calls after him, "Wait! If my parentsniff you gone, they will punish me". SO the wild man lifts the boys onto his shoulders, and together they go into the forest.
In ancient Greece the priest of Dionysus accepts the young man asstudent; in Eskim life, the shaman takes the boy away from the village. AMong the Hopis, the old men take the boy away to the male area. AMongthe Kikuyu, the boy is taken from his mother to fast for 3 days. Thenthe men offer him their blood, an alternative to his mother's milk.
In modern society, sometimes the mother herself has to push him away,weever as the son endeavours to make himself unattractive her. Theabsent father becomes demonised - authority that is corrupt oroppressive. Positive male energy, "Zeus energy", is attacked by the son.
A wound is part of initiation - circumcision, a tooth knocked out. It isa badge of the risk taking adolescent, yearning for initiation. "Youwill never see your parents again," says Iron John, " but I will keepyou with me, for you have set me free. If you do as I say, all will gowell, for I have many treasures". THe wild man prepares a bed of mossfor the boy to sleep on.. In the morning he takes him to a spring. "Sit beside the crystal clear spring and make sure nothing falls intoit. I will return in the evening." The boy sat watching the fish, buthis finger was hurting, and without thinking he dipped his finger in thewater. Realizing his mistake, he immediately pulls it out again but ithas turned to gold. When Iron John returns, he hides it behind him. "ANything happen at the spring today?" asks Iron John. "Nothing". "Butyou have dipped your finger in the spring! I will let it pass thisonce, but don't let it happen again."
WOunds threaten our infantile grandiosity, our princehood. We respondby inflating our egos still more, in defiance, or by sinking into thesafe role of victim. The spring is a holy place, a source ofnourishment, and of inspiration. It's water does not heal the wound,but it shows promised, a rediscovery of gold within us. Therapy is likewaiting by the spring. Artistic creation is inner gold, showingthrough; and intimately linked to the wound.
On the second day, the boy avoids touching the spring, but while gazinginto it, a hair falls from his head and turns to gold. Iron Johnreturns, and already knows what has happened. "I'll allow it this time,but if it happens again you will dishonour the spring and not be able tostay with me any longer."
Hair is associated with sexual energy, the animal instinct to hunt andkill, the wild energy of Pan. The fact the boy's hair turns to goldimplies that all these things are good.
On the third day, the boy, entranced by the spring, leans closer towardsit, when his hair falls forward and brushes the surface, turning togold. He tries to hide it under a scarf. The fascination of the springis that it contains his own reflection. It is himself, yet a stranger,and is immersed in nature. "You can stay here no loner. GO out intothe world now. I wish you well, and I give you a gift: whenever you arein trouble, come to the edge of the forest and call my name, and I willhelp you." So the boy has been introduced to the forest, has learnt heis more than flesh and blood, but must no make his own way
He was odd, wrote difficult books, was two-faced and a hypochondriac,but in the life and work of Marcel Proust philosopher de Boton has founddiverse lessons for living, including how to be a good friend, how toexpress yourself, how to read.
The rather dated but classic introduction to transactional analysis. Nice idea, shame about the name... A very easy to understand model ofhow people deal with stress, how negative emotions and irrationalbehaviour are produced.
Basic Training - a lot of what is taught in families is oppressive. Hard, unpleasant, arbitrary, just like the army. Includes systematicattack on the potential for intimacy, for giving/reciving love,potential for awareness (understanding the world and its people); andspontaneity.
Eric Berne defined the unit of human recognition as the"stroke". Positive feel good, negative feel bad. Strokes arenecessary for survival, we hunger for them as we hunger for food orwater, and below a certain level, people will settle for negativebecause, even though they feel bad, they are life supportive. Likedrinking polluted water.
Wilhelm Reich - suppression of natural sexuality/spontaneitypermanently maims the child's character, he inevitably becomessubmissive and apprehensive of authority. This prepares him for everysubsequent tyranny. Rather than repression just for the sake of moraledification, repression of the child helps sustain a repressive society.
The population is generally stroke hungry, which helps marketing. Most people survive on a less than ideal diet of strokes, with varyingdegrees of depression and agitation, and you can see the "searchbehaviour" that you would see in a mildly food starved animal.
Scripting robs people of their autonomy. The less control you haveover your life, the more powerless you feel. People are by naturecooperative. Helping can be a joyful, satisfying experience. This isdifferent from the unpleasant Rescue game. People who play this gamebelieve that people who need help can't really be helped and can't helpthemselves either.
Some careers offer more opportunities for the Rescue game eg healthprofessionals, carers. But almost everybody plays it.
3 roles = Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor. The roles areinterchangeable. The Victim feels helpless, shamed, I'm not OK, you'reOK. Please help me. The rescuer reflects this: I'm OK, you're not OK.Let me help you. The Persecutor is an angry position, but also I'm OK,you're not OK – you are hopeless, it's your fault. People can swaproles but usually prefer one. Rescuing doesn't work - leads to angerand a change of role to Persecutor. Yes, But is a type of Rescue game. The Victim appears powerless but discards all suggestions. Alcoholic isa particular example where people exchange roles constantly.
Childhood in a family is a training ground for the Rescue game. Children are forced into the Victim role and are taught the other rolesby example. Their power to love (relate to others), to think, to enjoythemselves are constantly challenged. Your average 7yr old couldprobably get their own breakfast, get themselves to school, arrange somesocializing, get food without any assistance whatsoever but are forcedto sit back and have things done for them as it would be inconvenient tolet them do it. We focus on school performance, particularly withregard to employment potential.
Boys are often treated differently from girls. Males are trained outof knowing themselves, girls are trained out of knowing the world.
Fully fledged Victims depend on finding a Rescuer who can perpetuatetheir powerlessness. Extreme powerlessness can manifest as addiction orpsychosis. Powerlessness is good for capitalist society! What's the useof voting? That's just the way things are.
The nuclear family often positions the father as persecutor, andmother as rescuer. In severe cases the child will retaliate withantisocial behaviour that makes their parents and other authorityfigures look like fools, or embarrassed. Parents who feel they don'tgive their children adequate attention may make no demands on theirchildren or underestimate their potential, as a form of Rescue. Someparents seem to care only about preparing their child for the jobmarket, which is equivalent to making them docile and ripe forexploitation. The Rescue triangle is a good training ground foraccepting the hierarchies of power. it does not allow for equality, onecan only be one-up or one-down.
Rescuing is programmed into women - seen as a moral good, a duty. Butit contains a one-up position, so can perpetuate the game. Persecutingis not seen as a moral good, but can be legitimized by an official jobtitle or role.
The Persecuting role is the inevitable outcome. Anger is inevitablewhen a Victim cannot be Rescued. Equally, the Victim is perfectly awarethey are one-down to everyone else and will also become angry.
A Victim is not a victim. A victim is someone who has suffered aninjury - but a Victim is complicit, they do not work against or resistwhat is wrong. They ignore feelings of being persecuted, they do notuse all their own power to overcome their one-down position. Similarly,a Rescuer expects to fail, and is usually correct. A victim thankstheir rescuer - a Rescuer feels annoyed by the Victim they help.
We are not powerless, no matter how weak we feel. It is energizingto be asked and expected to take our power and do our part by someonewho is willing to help. We resent being made powerless, especailly whenwe don't ask for it.
By avoiding the roels of the Rescue triangle and operating out of ourcenter, we assume power over our lives and stop preventin gothers fromdoing the same.
How to avoid rescue - the frustration that can come from helpingothers, the overwhelming burden of need is likely to crush the helper. You can work enthusiastically on behalf of someone only to have thembecome disinterested or even disdainful of your effort.
As long as someone is prepared to play the Rescuer role, good therapycannot take place. The persecuting role is sometimes sold as effectivebut actually it can just be terrifying and inhumane, causing people tobecome hardened and insensitive rather than better, happier humanbeings.
Some relationships and organizations operate almost completely withinthe Rescue game. Relating to some people almost requires that youparticipate. They demand to be Rescued, or if you are unwilling to playthe role, they will simply not be interested in you.
This can be stressful. You may be Persecuted for NOT playing thegame, so that staying means being willingly Victimized.
In every case where one person Rescues another eg going along withsomething they don't actually want to do; or by doing more than 50% ofthe work; or by not asking for what is wanted - they are reaffirming andmaintaining the power imbalance. To eliminate Rescue, one has tobelieve that people are OK and capable.
By accepting a request for help without making conditions for equalparticipation, or by imposing help without a request for it, you deny ordiminish in the Victim the power of helping himself.
SO: don't help without a contract. Don't ever believe that a personis helpless. Help people who are feeling helpless find ways in whichthey can apply the power they have. DOn't do more than 50% of the workat any time. DOn't do anything you don't really want to.
Persecution, the inevitable result of playing either Rescuer orVictim, will be proportional in intensity to the intensity of the Rescueor Victim role having been played. SO:
Don't interrupt people. Don't accept one-down statements eg "You'reso wonderful". Where you are an expert (and therefore one-up), youshould strive to reduce inequality by teaching. If you feel angry,assume you have been Rescuing eg listening when you're bored, havingchats that are unproductive, feeling exhausted. The responsibility ishalf yours! Don't allow feelings of resentment to accumulate -encourage Adult critical feedback.
Establishing contact with one's bodily responses of joy and pain isthe process of Centering, indispensable in work with drug abuse.
Systematic. Breathing is effective, because partly voluntary andpartly involuntary. Active breathing can help areas of our body whichare split off, and operate at very low levels of feeling energy becomeenergized. We become aware of them. We perceive them as paralyzed,inactive, tight, detached etc.
We can feel our bodies in a pragmatic way - just there as a machineto get us around. Compare the feeling of wanting to stretch out, toexpose them to wind and sun, to not be shy of them.
With attention to inhalation, we speak more confidently - withexhalation, we can avoid shouting and anger. We can avoid rambling,monotonous speech.
With centering, we can learn to control our bodies the way we cancontrol our minds. We would be more sensitive to excesses of smoking,drinking etc..We would enjoy our bodies in all its functions, whetherlocomotor, sensory or sexual. All functions would work in harmony. Wewould emanate energy.
A colourful, detailed introduction to tribal anthropology,concentrating on the author's experience with the Yanomami of theAmazon. How do you balance individual choice with group interests? Howdo people interact with their environment? How do people meet, fall inlove, make families? Where do values come from?
One of Windy's various books, all dealing with rational emotivebehavioural therapy, better known as "ABC" - action/belief/consequence. The idea is that people behave not simply because of things acting onthem, but in terms of the beliefs they have about those actions. So weare not victims of our circumstances.
In this scheme, tasks are categorized by four quadrants:
Dr. Covey notes that highly effective people make time for the QIIactivities, and that doing so can reduce the time spent in otherquadrants. While QI - QIV prioritization doesn't help you decide whichQI activity to do first and which to do second, and so on, it can bevery enlightening to find out which quadrants your tasks are in.
A journey into self-discovery through the process of psychoanalysis. Random! The title is shocking, but it is a lesson taught to Buddhistmonks - if you think you have found enlightenment, distrust the thought,because there is no easy ending.
The cool water of the streamcannot be grasped with clenched fists, only scooped up with open hands.
3 students asked to keep silent. The first says "I'm notgoing to say a word!". The second says "Why did youspeak?" The third says "I'm the only one who hasn'tspoken"
Am I a rider on a wild horse, logic taming my wildnature, or actually Centaur?
Man came to a village where peoplewere afraid to work the fields because of a monster. He saw that it wasa water melon, and to show them it was harmless he destroyed it with anaxe. The villages were terrified by this show of strength and drove himof with pitchforks. Another man came, and showed the villagers how theycould approach without fear, and eventually even how to cultivate thewater melon monster.
The Hasidim were a mystical Jewish sect bornout of Cossack oppression, which restored hope, joy and vitality. TheZaddik is their spiritual leader. He is encountered in the middle of aforest by the lots. "I cannot show you the way out, but I can showyou ways deeper into the forest, and perhaps from there we can find away together." (Caballah)
Zen master is chased to the edgeof a cliff by a tiger. He seeks safety dangling on the end of a flimsyvine. As it begins to pull out of the soil, he notices a wildstrawberry growing on the cliff face. He proceeds to eat it, commentingon its sweet taste.
The Lamed Vov are the 36 Just Men. They feelthe suffering of mankind more deeply than anybody. As one dies, anotherreplaces him. They have no special powers, they live ordinary lives. But God pities them, and it is for their sake that he bring the Day ofjudgment a little closer each day.
Gilgamesh - a tyrannicaldemigod eg droit de seigneur. The gods fashion a double from clay,called Enkidu, who lives in harmoy with the animals. Gilgamesh has himseduced, after which the animals shun him as a human. Enkidu goes tothe city and challenges Gilgamesh. Because they are doubles, neithercan win, and so they make peace, become friends, and set off on an epicadventure.
Arthur's knight (from the Canterbury Tales) - Knightis sentenced to death for raping a girl. The Queen's escorts are somoved by his handsomeness that she agress to spare him, if he can answerthe question "What do women desire most?" He is given a yearand a day to come up with an answer. He sets out on his mission,talking to women whereverhe goes. On the last day, with no answer insight, he meets an old hag who promises to given him the answer if inreturn he does whatever she asks - desperate, he agrees. Back at court,he gives his answer. "What women desire most is the same powerover their husbands as tehy have over their lovers." His life isspared, and the hag demands that they be married. In bed, she consoleshim with the thought that she's unlikely to be unfaithful - then asks ifhe would prefer her young, beautiful and faithless instead. He isunable to decide and says he would leave it up to her to decide whichshe preferred. Delighted, she changes into a beautiful young woman andswears eternal faithfulness.